Diva Rider

Dear Brad, Lesley and assorted underlings.

We, the Delicious Divas, kindly demand a few not too difficult requests to make our lives a little bit more comfortable. Please see to these as soon as possible. They are listed in no particular order.

DIVA-MANDS:

1. A minimum of 5 centimetres of personal space shall surround each Diva. No one shall touch a Diva unless she gives her written consent beforehand.

2. Diva Jacqstar will henceforth only be addressed as ‘the Artist Formerly Known as Sister Mary Jacqstar’ and will not answer to anything else.

3. No one shall look a Diva directly in the eyes, gazes should be aimed at the chin – NOT THE BREASTS!

4. Pink champagne and fresh strawberries are to be on hand at all times.

5. A neck and shoulder massage prior to each performance.

6. A foot and calf massage after each performance.

7. A refreshing cool cucumber splash around the eyes to reduce the wrinkles caused by squinting due to the brightness of the stage lights.

8. Our own dressing room filled with pure energies and relaxing music to entice perfection – even though we cannot possibly be any better.

9. Divas may only be served beverages beginning with the letter D prior to shows ... eg Daiquiri's, Dry Martinis, Drambuie.

10. Photographs of divas may only be taken with divas showing right profile and decidedly upturned noses. Raised eyebrows or cleavage are at in-diva-vidual discretion.

11. Any requests made of Divas must include a Div-adjective, for example diva-licious, diva-sational, diva-lovely, diva-lightful, diva-lirious, diva-tastic. Requests made without said div-adjectives will attract a disastrously disdainful diva-smissal.

12. A tub full of fresh Asses milk for each Diva to bathe in before every performance.

13. Private ‘pluckers’ (preferably blonde, young and straight), to attend to our beauty needs.
14. Multiple bowls of M&M’s separated by colour must be provided before each performance. Bowls must be the same colour as the M&M’s and arranged on the counter in alphabetical order.

15. Divas must be lit by pink spotlights only, to highlight our youthfulness and give us a Diva-ine glow. Lights on makeup mirror to be pink also.

16. Mirrors in the dressing room should be the slimming kind to make us look as tall and lithe as we feel.

17. The dressing room is to have fresh rose petals sprinkled thickly on the floor so the Divas’ shoes don’t touch the floor.